The glitter’s wearing off…

So, the new, shininess of singlehood is starting to fade.  Didn’t take long, did it?  Granted, I like that I have been able to make my own plans and do my own thing, but it’s a little scary when a weekend comes up where I’m not quite sure how I’ll pass the time.  What if everyone is doing something (with their men) already?  

Last weekend I ran into the same dilemma.  I was feeling super restless, and I didn’t feel like a night of reflection and what not at home would cut it.  I did something I’ve never done before; I went to the bar alone.  I was worried that’d make me bait for the creepers, but I ended up running into some old friends.  We did the whole, drunken, “Oh my GOSHHHH!  Why don’t we EVER hang out anymore???!!?”  “You HAVE to facebook me!!!!!”  Not my favorite mode of interaction, but, it goes to show I can definitely hit up the bar solo if need be. 

I’ve been visiting some churches these past weekends, and I have found a few that I like.  Unfortunately, as I peer over my shoulders and to the left and right, I see many people my age who are….coupled.  Be it dating, engaged, or married, I was feeling a bit in the minority.  Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with couples.  I just don’t want to be the “poor, single girl” wherever I end up.  I feel like Christian communities tend to feel the need to “help” their single brothers and sisters find their soul mate.  Yes, I want that someday, but I DON’T want your damn pity.  

And of course, I still feel this aching void in my life.  I’d be lying if I said it was so bad I can’t function anymore, but it has been rough.  I do honestly miss Brian a TON.  I find myself thinking, “Wait, why did I do that again?”  And I find myself operating under the assumption that someday we’ll find each other and things will be different and we’ll fall in love etc…  But, I do need to remember that what’s to be, will be.  And if it’s not supposed to happen, then better to get this pain out of the way NOW.  Since I don’t know which way it will go, I need to release my hold on the situation.

About a week ago we cut off communication.  No phone calls, IMs, or facebook stuff.  It’s weird to have not seen him in over a month, and it’s weird that we’ve had zero communication for a week or so now.  I have to say, I’m jealous of him.  His group of friends is still around, and still does stuff together.  My Geneva crew?  Well some of them are around, but I’ve lost touch.  It’s not like I can’t call them up, or that I have zero current friends to talk to, but I just can’t help feeling ALONE right now.  Sigh…

It’s not all bad, there are just some bad days.

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