I just realized…
I’m alone. Nothing like a long, 14 hour day and some unhealthy facebook stalking to make you feel alone and pathetic. Not only am I drained (and possibly getting sick), but I’ve been catching drifts of a certain someone getting on with his life. How dare he not be depressed and torn up, right? And granted, I’ve been making all sorts of assumptions based off of limited information on the internet, but still.
I was reading this really good blog today about another woman who has been broken up from a serious relationship for over a year. Reading her posts, I can relate to a lot of what she was saying. What scared me, though, was that it had been a year for her and I could relate so well as someone who was not even two weeks into the breakup. I really hope I’m still not feeling like this a year from now.
A big fear is that a year will go by and I will not have grown spiritually and emotionally. I don’t want the depression and loneliness of today to dictate how I handle myself this year. I got myself into all this partially because I let loneliness and depression be my masters thus far. Next to both of those, the “still, small voice” of God is so dim to me right now. Already, though, He has answered my prayers, so I should be grateful for that. I’ve been praying that Brian doesn’t face this alone, that he has his friends around him. And from my facebook stalking, at least, it seems like this has been true. I know I can’t selfishly want him to be miserable. So, God has been listening.
While I do have good friends right now, I still find myself feeling like a kite whose string was cut. Suddenly, I’m catapulting through the air-swirling around and feeling sick. I feel this in more than one way now. Spiritually. Church-wise (not having one). Career wise (I have NO idea what to do after my 11 months with AmeriCorps is done). Being single and not knowing the future for that part of life.
I really, really, REALLY want to see some growth in my life. I don’t want to keep repeating myself over and over and over….again. I really want a richer relationship with God. I want to be involved in a church. I want more confidence, to be less ruled by loneliness and depression. I want to have a job that doesn’t make me feel completely exhausted every day. I want to become more physically fit. I want. I want. I want. And yet, for a lot of these things, at the end of the day I am completely spent (that’s what working 50 or so hours a week will do…).
While I want so much right now, it’s more realistic to choose what I feel is more important. I was talking to my mom, and as she often does, she knew best. Focus on the spiritual right now, because it’s at the root of everything else. I remember this silly Sunday school type song I used to be forced to sing as a kid: Read your Bible and pray every day, and you’ll grow, grow, GROW. Cheezy, but true.
Ok, I’m spent. Good night.
I can relate to this. A lot. Even though I am in a relationship, I’ll be the first to admit that my relationship is not all roses. I don’t really feel that secure, despite having a man who is at my beck and call. Constantly I pray that I’m not in the same rut a year from now that I’m in now…that I can grow spiritually, invest my time at a church, meet more people, grow in my career, and not be with a man who isn’t [seemingly] going anywhere. And honestly, as much as I pray these things for myself, I pray them over him as well. Not just for our relationship, but for his sake too.
Though I must admit, I’m really hoping he gets his shit together so we can be together.
I hope this doesn’t sound trite, but it will get better. You will grow because of this, you will grow through this, and you will not be Facebook stalking your ex, feeling glum, forever. This too shall pass.