Roadkill
I’ve been feeling like something dead that’s slowly coming back to life. Which, would never happen in real life, but I keep picturing something dead on video that’s being rewound. So, naturally (well, unnaturally) it’s un-decaying and growing everything back. Gross, huh? My heart’s been re-stirred lately, by things that haven’t excited it in quite a long time. I’m excited, a little scared, but mostly excited. But then I have what I’ll call my vultures that keep coming and picking at me, as if to say, “Um, you’re DEAD. You’re not going anywhere.” It’s just been awhile since I was genuinely excited about the potential of growth in my life. Spiritually I’ve just felt like a rotting carcuss. Passion wise I’ve felt like a carcuss. Emotionally a carcuss. Not that life was all horrible or anything, but I just wasn’t exploring, wasn’t trying to excell or be truly excited about anything. Just floating (or laying squashed on the side of the road). Sorry, but this roadkill image just STUCK.
On another note. I have been faced with my ability to cause pain to another individual. If someone had asked me in the past if I was capable of deeply hurting someone, I would say, sure I am. But I’ve really been struck by that. While I know I did the right thing, it’s still sobering to think that I’ve caused suffering. I have to say, I feel pretty damn guilty about that. And sad. No one ever wants to be the bad guy, the jerk. Especially not towards someone you genuinely love and care about. And there’s that, too. The fact that I can love someone, and yet realize I’m not on the same, spending-the-rest-of-our-lives-together, page. And realizing that while it’s partially my fault for their pain, it’s no longer my responsibility to make him feel better. By that I mean I can’t call him or try to comfort him anymore. In fact, it IS my responsiblity not to do that. To give him space and LET him get over me; to get fired up and PISSED at me.
Despite knowing it was right, there’s still a void. My best friend is gone, and I can’t make him come back because I’m the one that told him to go. Or, the one who left and told him not to follow. Seeing as he was such an upstanding guy, I took pride in being in the Best Friend spot. The Chosen One. I envy the woman he falls madly in love with and showers with all his good qualities. I really do. When he told me he’d hold on and wait, that he wasn’t giving up hope, I secretly felt a little relieved. It’s totally not my place, but I did. But, he deserves someone else who KNOWS just like he does. Maybe it’ll be me someday, but there’s no way I’ll figure that out anytime soon. So for now, the assumption is that it’s completely over. Done. That’s it.
I’ll probably go from feeling like a free bird to a manic depressive these next few months, but the free bird feeling is sign enough I did the right thing.
P.S.
I keep getting ‘tags’…people who come here. Just curious if you’re actual people or some weird internet spy thing (I don’t know any technical terms).
