It’s been awhile.
Yep, I’ll be honest, blogging is not one of my strengths. And, being even more honest here, anything that requires me to do something on a regular basis is not my specialty. Examples are: exercising, blogging, journaling, praying, reading my Bible, reading in general. Yep.
On another note, I’ve been going back and forth between feeling light ‘n’ breezy about life and slightly panic stricken. I’m feeling anxious; I don’t want to “waste my youth” so to speak. I have been somewhat sporadically looking into all sorts of possibilities: midwifery, working/living abroad, another year of Literacy AmeriCorps, just finding a JOB. So (actually, make that TOO) many choices. I would have been cool with simply inheriting a trade; like being a blacksmith. Actually, though, if that still happened I probably would have popped out a few babies by now, and that’s what I’d be doing.
I have been trying to find a church, and that’s been causing some anxiety. Nothing seems to fit so far. I find myself also feeling anxious just going new places by myself. Especially somewhat smaller churches because I stick out like a sore, new thumb. Sigh. I know I need to get.over.it. Just feeling a bit torn, pulled in many and no direction(s) all at once.
The whole single thing has been good. After some evaluation, I think I can pin point at least one problem in mine and youknowwho’s relationship. We became an old married couple who spent every waking moment together. It wasn’t my intention, but I lost contact with a lot of friends. Luckily, said friends are pretty nice and haven’t had much problem hanging out with me again. Not only did we both lost contact with people, we both stopped trying to discover and grow as individual people. We were each other. We defined each other. To a point, it’s good to be in love and connected, but there needs to be something other than that other person. And now that I no longer have that other person, I’ve been running around trying to fill the hole with stuff, and I’ve been feeling pretty damn impatient with the whole process.
I need to revert back to the original plan that I so quickly abandoned: pray. read Bible. church. friends. stop worrying all the DAMN TIME.
xoxo
The things I miss the most.
Are kisses. Intimacy (emotional, mental, physical). Laughter. Company. Lazy days in pj’s. Comfort.
Sigh.
No amount of quick fixes or dizzy drunk nights will make me feel fuller, better. I need a combination of the real things and few “band-aids” to get me through it.
xoxo.
The glitter’s wearing off…
So, the new, shininess of singlehood is starting to fade. Didn’t take long, did it? Granted, I like that I have been able to make my own plans and do my own thing, but it’s a little scary when a weekend comes up where I’m not quite sure how I’ll pass the time. What if everyone is doing something (with their men) already?
Last weekend I ran into the same dilemma. I was feeling super restless, and I didn’t feel like a night of reflection and what not at home would cut it. I did something I’ve never done before; I went to the bar alone. I was worried that’d make me bait for the creepers, but I ended up running into some old friends. We did the whole, drunken, “Oh my GOSHHHH! Why don’t we EVER hang out anymore???!!?” “You HAVE to facebook me!!!!!” Not my favorite mode of interaction, but, it goes to show I can definitely hit up the bar solo if need be.
I’ve been visiting some churches these past weekends, and I have found a few that I like. Unfortunately, as I peer over my shoulders and to the left and right, I see many people my age who are….coupled. Be it dating, engaged, or married, I was feeling a bit in the minority. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with couples. I just don’t want to be the “poor, single girl” wherever I end up. I feel like Christian communities tend to feel the need to “help” their single brothers and sisters find their soul mate. Yes, I want that someday, but I DON’T want your damn pity.
And of course, I still feel this aching void in my life. I’d be lying if I said it was so bad I can’t function anymore, but it has been rough. I do honestly miss Brian a TON. I find myself thinking, “Wait, why did I do that again?” And I find myself operating under the assumption that someday we’ll find each other and things will be different and we’ll fall in love etc… But, I do need to remember that what’s to be, will be. And if it’s not supposed to happen, then better to get this pain out of the way NOW. Since I don’t know which way it will go, I need to release my hold on the situation.
About a week ago we cut off communication. No phone calls, IMs, or facebook stuff. It’s weird to have not seen him in over a month, and it’s weird that we’ve had zero communication for a week or so now. I have to say, I’m jealous of him. His group of friends is still around, and still does stuff together. My Geneva crew? Well some of them are around, but I’ve lost touch. It’s not like I can’t call them up, or that I have zero current friends to talk to, but I just can’t help feeling ALONE right now. Sigh…
It’s not all bad, there are just some bad days.
M-M-Margarita!
So far my posts have been pretty serious and have had at least a little substance. I was sober when I typed those. So, while it’s good to let yourself heal rather than simply “putting a band-aid on it”, sometmes a little alcohol doesn’t hurt either. I was debating with myself, saying, “It’s Tuesday. I have to work tomorrow. I shouldn’t drink.” But I’m telling you, had one big azz margarita at Mad Mex, and now I feel all the sorrows and anxiety of the day are shoved aside and I can SLEEP. yep, that’s right, I’m saying sometimes you need to drink-NOT THINK! I was feeling kinda down, and really anxious about life. But that margarita. Oh yes. Now I can just plop in bed and sleep. So. There isn’t anything super special here. I’m just word vomitting, basically.
xoxo
Band-Aid, please.
I remember when I was a child, and having a band-aid seemed to solve all sorts of minor injuries. More often than not, I didn’t even need one. I think it was more the ritual of having my mom set me on a stool, carefully put the band-aid on, and kiss the “wound” that had this soothing, sugar pill effect on me. As I got older, this became less acceptable. As a ten year old, I couldn’t figure out what the big deal was. Just gimme a band-aid! Kiss it and make it better! I’m in AGONY, ok?
I’ve been feeling the temptation to just put a band-aid on it lately. Rather than letting myself heal and take the more painful, splinter-pulling actions, I’d prefer to simply slap on the quick fix. I know I need more, though.
Looking a specific sugar pill example-birth control. If you only take the pill on the “sugar days” (guess that could mean more than one thing when talking about birth control…), you’re gonna get pregnant. It’s ridiculous to think that the mere action of swallowing something, ANYthing, with a glass of water will do the trick. Unless you take your medicine, you’re not gonna get better. And so, these next few months (hell, it’ll probably take longer), I’ll be going through the slow, sometimes arduous process of healing. If I truly want to get to a better place, I need to
take.
my.
time.
While it will have it’s hard moments, that doesn’t mean there won’t be an occasional spoon full of sugar to go down with it.
I just realized…
I’m alone. Nothing like a long, 14 hour day and some unhealthy facebook stalking to make you feel alone and pathetic. Not only am I drained (and possibly getting sick), but I’ve been catching drifts of a certain someone getting on with his life. How dare he not be depressed and torn up, right? And granted, I’ve been making all sorts of assumptions based off of limited information on the internet, but still.
I was reading this really good blog today about another woman who has been broken up from a serious relationship for over a year. Reading her posts, I can relate to a lot of what she was saying. What scared me, though, was that it had been a year for her and I could relate so well as someone who was not even two weeks into the breakup. I really hope I’m still not feeling like this a year from now.
A big fear is that a year will go by and I will not have grown spiritually and emotionally. I don’t want the depression and loneliness of today to dictate how I handle myself this year. I got myself into all this partially because I let loneliness and depression be my masters thus far. Next to both of those, the “still, small voice” of God is so dim to me right now. Already, though, He has answered my prayers, so I should be grateful for that. I’ve been praying that Brian doesn’t face this alone, that he has his friends around him. And from my facebook stalking, at least, it seems like this has been true. I know I can’t selfishly want him to be miserable. So, God has been listening.
While I do have good friends right now, I still find myself feeling like a kite whose string was cut. Suddenly, I’m catapulting through the air-swirling around and feeling sick. I feel this in more than one way now. Spiritually. Church-wise (not having one). Career wise (I have NO idea what to do after my 11 months with AmeriCorps is done). Being single and not knowing the future for that part of life.
I really, really, REALLY want to see some growth in my life. I don’t want to keep repeating myself over and over and over….again. I really want a richer relationship with God. I want to be involved in a church. I want more confidence, to be less ruled by loneliness and depression. I want to have a job that doesn’t make me feel completely exhausted every day. I want to become more physically fit. I want. I want. I want. And yet, for a lot of these things, at the end of the day I am completely spent (that’s what working 50 or so hours a week will do…).
While I want so much right now, it’s more realistic to choose what I feel is more important. I was talking to my mom, and as she often does, she knew best. Focus on the spiritual right now, because it’s at the root of everything else. I remember this silly Sunday school type song I used to be forced to sing as a kid: Read your Bible and pray every day, and you’ll grow, grow, GROW. Cheezy, but true.
Ok, I’m spent. Good night.
Roadkill
I’ve been feeling like something dead that’s slowly coming back to life. Which, would never happen in real life, but I keep picturing something dead on video that’s being rewound. So, naturally (well, unnaturally) it’s un-decaying and growing everything back. Gross, huh? My heart’s been re-stirred lately, by things that haven’t excited it in quite a long time. I’m excited, a little scared, but mostly excited. But then I have what I’ll call my vultures that keep coming and picking at me, as if to say, “Um, you’re DEAD. You’re not going anywhere.” It’s just been awhile since I was genuinely excited about the potential of growth in my life. Spiritually I’ve just felt like a rotting carcuss. Passion wise I’ve felt like a carcuss. Emotionally a carcuss. Not that life was all horrible or anything, but I just wasn’t exploring, wasn’t trying to excell or be truly excited about anything. Just floating (or laying squashed on the side of the road). Sorry, but this roadkill image just STUCK.
On another note. I have been faced with my ability to cause pain to another individual. If someone had asked me in the past if I was capable of deeply hurting someone, I would say, sure I am. But I’ve really been struck by that. While I know I did the right thing, it’s still sobering to think that I’ve caused suffering. I have to say, I feel pretty damn guilty about that. And sad. No one ever wants to be the bad guy, the jerk. Especially not towards someone you genuinely love and care about. And there’s that, too. The fact that I can love someone, and yet realize I’m not on the same, spending-the-rest-of-our-lives-together, page. And realizing that while it’s partially my fault for their pain, it’s no longer my responsibility to make him feel better. By that I mean I can’t call him or try to comfort him anymore. In fact, it IS my responsiblity not to do that. To give him space and LET him get over me; to get fired up and PISSED at me.
Despite knowing it was right, there’s still a void. My best friend is gone, and I can’t make him come back because I’m the one that told him to go. Or, the one who left and told him not to follow. Seeing as he was such an upstanding guy, I took pride in being in the Best Friend spot. The Chosen One. I envy the woman he falls madly in love with and showers with all his good qualities. I really do. When he told me he’d hold on and wait, that he wasn’t giving up hope, I secretly felt a little relieved. It’s totally not my place, but I did. But, he deserves someone else who KNOWS just like he does. Maybe it’ll be me someday, but there’s no way I’ll figure that out anytime soon. So for now, the assumption is that it’s completely over. Done. That’s it.
I’ll probably go from feeling like a free bird to a manic depressive these next few months, but the free bird feeling is sign enough I did the right thing.
P.S.
I keep getting ‘tags’…people who come here. Just curious if you’re actual people or some weird internet spy thing (I don’t know any technical terms).
Learning to walk…again
I’ll be relearning a lot these next fews months. Relearning how to do things on.my.own. Relearning to make plans wth friends. To spend a Saturday night alone. To go places alone. To BE alone.
As angsty as this is starting off to be, I have to be honest and say that I felt super light all day. Like a heavy backpack was suddenly taken from me. For over a year I felt tired from this, and I was so used to this feeling that I didn’t even notice it anymore. I’d been so used to feeling the weight of it, that when it was gone I practically sprang up. It’s kind of like that game you play; you stand in a doorway with your arms pressing at the frame. When you walk away your arms suddenly flutter upward. Suddenly just being at your side is such an easy task. Now I feel a new kind of tiredness.
The tiredness of second guesses and big cries. Even though I know I made the right decision, I keep going back and thinking that maybe somehow I messed up. Was I supposed to stay with him? But then I think about it and know. I have a mantra that I keep repeating to myself when I’m feeling down (all one day of it so far…this will take awhile). It’s something like this:
If it’s meant to be, then it will. God can bring it back together.
And if not, then why prolong things?
I think this is a more intense version of being a homesick freshman in college. As much as I miss him, I know I can’t go back. I have too much to learn right now. Right now, as a mere freshman, I am sticking with the basics: Aloneness 101. The clincher I need to remember is that I have Christ, and he has a plan. And I have wonderful friends and family. So, it’s not so alone after all.
Some things change, but not everything
Some things change. Like my feelings for Brian (the guy mentioned in the other post). I now feel sure, and I’m glad I stuck it out. And maybe I wasn’t really sticking it out; maybe I was there because I, secretly, wanted to be. I don’t think I always know myself as well as I think I do, and I think that was an example of that.
Some things change. Like my new job. I’ve been working as a part time case manager for a place which helps refugees from Africa and the Afro Carribean islands. I have been on a bit of a rollar coaster with this job-loving what they do, but feeling incompetent. Feeling a bit scared of my boss at times, and generally feeling like a newbie. My goal is to at least stick it out for a year. Maybe I’ll find out I’ve secretly wanted to be there all along as well.
Some things change. Like the prayer/accountability group me and some girlfriends want to start up soon. It’s been awhile since I’ve really had much spiritual discipline, and I’m looking forward to it.
Some things don’t change. Like my lack of discipline. I went running/walking today, and it confirmed that unless I really dedicate myself to regular exercise, it’ll never get easy. This is something I hope will change.
Change is good, and I shouldn’t fight it. But I’m guessing I probably shouldn’t force it either.
